I have have always had a distorted self image. When I was thin, I thought I was FAT, even though I wasn't. On the left, I am 17 and I thought I was FAT. I always thought I was fat because I wore a bigger size than my friends. We never discussed the # of pounds we were, but clothes mattered because I could never wear any of theirs. However, looking back at photos I see that I wasn't bigger. That's me on the far right. I am 19 years old there. I had just lost 20lbs over the summer after gaining the freshman 20 in college.
Later in college I still felt fat. I would cry at 135lbs at a size 10. (I know cry me a river). But my entire family except for my sister were over weight and I knew that my turn was coming. So I stopped eating, took diet pills (the thought makes me sick to my stomach now) and got thinner. Again I am on the right. I was so happy, that I could wear a size 4 sometimes. At 110lbs I was still a large 4 small 6 though.
Fast forward over a few years and I have been up and down the scale but never lower than 176 highest at 222. I am not very tall so it really shows on me.
Where am I now? Big enough for me that I only take pictures of my feet. However, in my mind's eye I still see a thin person.
I am shocked when I look down at my body and see the large rolls. Those aren't supposed to be there! I gasp when I see myself in the mirror with the muffin top over my jeans. And who is that person in the pictures? I actually don't have very many pictures of me from the past ten years. Most are from the head up and then I only keep the ones where I am at the "thin" angle. I really want my inner person to look like my outer person. No wonder I feel like a wackadoodle some days. I have no idea who I am anymore.
Good times and good pictures are on my horizon. I know it. I am almost done with my cathartic purge of whoas me's, so please hang in with me. I am going to go drink a glass of wine now. This post was a doozy!
Cheers!
Robin Wine Girl
It is funny how your mind plays tricks on you... and I can totally relate. xx
ReplyDeleteI think most people are like that. When you are thin, you feel fat and worry about it. Then as we gain, we get to a point where we don't even realize how much weight we've put on, we stop looking at ourselves. You'll get there, where the mental and physical images match!
ReplyDeleteI can so totally relate!
ReplyDeleteI was always the bigger girl in high school! I felt that way anyhow. I look at pictures and would die for that figure! But I could never fit into friends clothes!
Even at my highest 248 I didn't see myself as fat.
But good times are a comin'
Finding a balance between mind and body is tough. Keep working on it; you are worth it.
ReplyDeleteA total thumbs up! I don't see me as a fatty in my minds eye either! This time next year we are gona look more and more like that minds eye picture! We are hot and will be hotter soon!
ReplyDeleteHey - Lap Band Gal sent me over. I feel you on the "when i was thin i thought i was fat". Funny how that works huh. Not long til your info seminar on Lap Band now. I'm currently waiting on a date for my surgery. Looking forward to reading more about your journey! There is loads of support out here in blog land - sending good vibes your way!
ReplyDeleteHi! I'm a new reader...sent over from Lap Band Gal. I can totally relate to how you feel. My entire sense of body image (and self-worth) has been incredibly skewed, my whole life. I wish you luck on your journey, and if there is anything I can do help, just holler!
ReplyDeleteChristine
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